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Welcome! Join us each Friday evening at MRCC in Fellowship Central. Dinner starts at 6:00 and worship starts at 7:00. We look forward to seeing you!

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Taking off my Mask


Over the past three years I've really embraced the idea of "taking off my mask" at CR. 

However, I still struggle with doing that in other areas of my life, mainly work and Sunday morning church.  That is until now.  Earlier this month Nate and I shared our couples testimony with our Bible Class... I'm not talking about a handful of other people, but a good 60-80 couples.  Talk about scary!!

I've known for a long time that God wants us to use our recovery journey to help other couples.  However, finding the right outlet for that hasn't necessarily been easy. Nate has had numerous opportunities to speak at different churches about his struggles.  I always tag along and afterward get numerous questions and comments from the "audience." I had wanted an outlet for myself, a way to share our story, how our marriage has been impacted.

I have prayed about those opportunities and recently felt compelled that we should offer to share with our class. So, we went to the elders of our class and our class chairman and offered to share. They took us up on the idea.

Then there we were, on a Sunday morning, "taking off our mask" in a BIG way. I have to admit the day before and morning of I had a lot of fear. I really struggle with wanting other people's approval and while I know people at CR accept me I wasn't so sure of what the aftermath of this would look like. So up we went-- for the next 30 minutes we spilled our lives in front of them.
Were they shocked, I don't know I could barely look at them partly from nerves and partly from the tears clogging my eyes every few paragraphs. When it was all over several of them came up and thanked us, hugged us and just gave us an overall feeling of support. Then in the days to follow I got numerous messages from people thanking us for our transparency.

I have to admit, we aren't the first in our class to share. We've actually had a few couples sharing their struggles with the class. However, we wanted to do this to share the hope and healing we've found in Christ, through Celebrate Recovery. We wanted people to see that marriages do struggle sometimes, but that by allowing God in healing can take place. 

I see this opportunity as an answer to prayer. I truly believe that God wants us to share our hope and healing with others. Will there be future opportunities? I don't know. Will I take them if there are? You betcha! Sure, I'll still be shaking like crazy when I stand up there, but I also know that God will be there with us sharing HIS story of hope and healing.

Looking back, I'm grateful for the opportunity and glad that I no longer feel like I'm hiding parts of my life from my church family. Now, just to work on that at work... 

Grateful Believer,
Chellie

Monday, June 20, 2011

Ask Andrew & Karyn

{From Andrew} Thanks for joining us for this installment of Ask Andrew and Karyn or Ask Karyn and Andrew- depending on who you are!  Every so often we will be here to answer your recovery related questions.  When we don't have the answer we will get someone more qualified to help us- like today!  You can ask us something serious or something casual.  There will be a box set out each Friday night for you to put your question in.  Speaking of boxes set up on Friday nights, you may have noticed our encouragement table.  We have this table set up for you to write encouragement cards to your fellow CR participants.  Please take advantage of this opportunity.  You are free to deliver the cards yourself or place them in the box to be handed out later.

{From Karyn} It's ask Karyn & Andrew, just so we're clear. This great idea was....okay it was Andrew's idea, I have to give him some credit! It gives folks a chance to ask a question that they might have felt uncomfortable asking in person. And I'm sure we will get our fair share of random/fun questions like, "How much lettuce do we buy each month for dinner."
Hmmm....that's a good question, I need to look into that.  Okay on to this week's REAL question.

Today's question is:  How do you keep from managing your spouse's addiction?
(Awesome question!)

We asked two of our own to answer this one, and here are their responses...

Prayer is the number one way. Honestly, it's a struggle that comes and goes. I pray specifically that God will keep him from temptation and that if he is tempted that he will look to God and his accountability partners for strength. When I get the desire to manage the addiction I just say over and over this line of the serenity prayer, "God, Help me accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can." I cannot change my spouse.  

The second way, that works for me, is I've been really open and honest with him about my desire to "fix" the addiction.
Lastly, we have set boundaries. Boundaries that were developed with help from a counselor. He knows them. I know them. If he "messes up" then he knows the consequence. That was hard for me to understand at first. I felt like I was punishing him. But wise counsel showed me that if he knows the line and yet he chooses to cross it then he has, in turn, chose the consequence. That counsel helped me to see it as my spouses choice, not as me instilling punishment upon him. That has really helped me to release that desire to manage his addiction.
Grateful Believer,
Chellie


First you must realize that you are not the cause of your spouse's addiction.  The addiction is normally a coping skill for another issue that they are not facing.  If you are managing your spouse's recovery, they are not taking responsibility for their own healing nor addressing the underlying cause.  

You can be supportive of the steps they are taking in healing but do not attempt to plan them for your spouse.  You can show your support in many ways: 
·         go to Celebrate Recovery or others addiction treatment meetings with your spouse
·         let your spouse know you are proud for the steps they have taken by telling them or writing a note
·         if asked, go to the counseling session with your spouse
·         form your own support system of trustworthy people such as friends from treatment programs or a therapist
·         Spend time with God and ask for his wisdom and understanding of a balance 

It can be a hard line to walk balancing and supporting instead of managing.  A good way to look at it is who is doing most of the work,  you or your recovering spouse?  If it is you, take a step back and reevaluate your understanding as the spouse of an addictive loved one.   Know that God is part of your support system.
Grateful Believer,
Erin

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Internet Filtering and Accountability Software

Hi, my name is Micah, and I’m a grateful believer in Jesus Christ who struggles with alcoholism and anger.  I have prayed about a resource like this for some time now.  The Lord works in his timing and has worked through one of his servants to create for us what I believe is very informative and practical.  The servant who wrote this article is a long time technology professional but needed to remain anonymous for personal reasons, although certainly wanted to share these resources with anyone that will listen.  I hope that you and/or your family will read this carefully and take the proper steps to protect you and your family from the evil one.  The internet is such a valuable resource and can be used for so much good.  However, as we all know, the devil has taken advantage of the ever growing population and usage of the World Wide Web for his purposes.  As people striving to find recovery in Jesus, we need to be wise in our approach.  Check out this article:

This is somewhat of a long article that I hope you will read completely, but if you just want my bottom line recommendation: buy x3watch Pro ($7 a month) and put it on all devices that are connected to the Internet that you or your family have access to.  This software and others like it can block access to inappropriate Internet content and/or report access to inappropriate content to accountability partners.

Technical Crutch:

When I described my porn problems and my career expertise to a counselor for the first time, one of his first comments was, "You don't have a technology problem; you have a spiritual problem."  I realize that my problem can't be fixed by technology; it will only be fixed by re-training myself to live by the spirit again (Romans 8:5).  Step 1 involves admitting that what I have been doing to "control" my hurt, habit, or hang-up hasn't been working and that I am powerless to control my tendency to do the wrong thing.  That being said, it is a lie for me to say that technology such as filters and accountability software does not help me in my struggle.  I used that as an excuse for a long time to not use the software telling myself, "I can get around anything, so why bother?"  This is true in a sense, just like it is true that I can get around a police roadblock that is in the path of my car.  Intentionally circumventing a barrier is a very purposeful act that has deeper ramifications than just simple dishonesty.  Even if I get around undetected, it is just going to raise the stakes (and the consequences) when God finally does reveal my sin.

Who needs it?

Frankly, every device in every Christian home, business, or church needs this.  A study in 2009 by Symantec showed that “Porn” was the fourth highest ranked search term by children under seven.  70% of Internet porn access occurs during the 9 to 5 work day [source]. 
Pardon a little irreverent humor, but the Internet today seems to be omnipresent and omnipotent.  Almost every personal computing device now has web access including car stereos, GPS systems, hand-held game systems, and, of course, cell phones. It passes through walls and blankets every major city, town, and highway.  As a result of today’s wireless technology it is almost impossible to completely block Internet access.  For instance, if your child has a smartphone and they connect to your wireless router at home for Internet access, even if you turn off the router, the phone can still access the Internet through the cell network.  However, most cell phone providers allow parents to control access for children.  So, anyone who struggles with compulsively accessing immoral content or who wants to block others from accessing immoral content on the Internet needs to consider these products. 

What is it?

To understand what these products do and how to use them it is important to understand how they differentiate from one another:
Accountability vs. Filtering
  • Accountability products – Report access to porn (or other content categories that I want to avoid) to a designated partner, usually via email, in order to foster open dialog about what I am doing online.  Accountability software “tells on me” after I have acted out.
  • Filtering products – Prevent access to objectionable content. Filtering software blocks access before I have acted out.
Some products do only one or the other, and some both report and prevent, but the best practice is to have both features in some form. 
Stand-alone vs. Network-based
  • Stand-alone – are installed locally on your computer or mobile device and only protect that particular device.
  • Network-based – are installed on the network where you access the Internet (for instance on your home Internet router or on a device at your Internet Service Provider) and protect every device that connects to that network.
There are pros and cons to each method.  For instance, if you have access to many computers, you must install stand-alone products to each device, but if you take that device to another network (like taking a laptop to a hotel on a business trip) it will still be protected.  When your protection is network-based any device that comes into your home, business, or church is protected no matter what it is (i.e., phone, laptop) or how it accesses your network (i.e., wired or wireless).
Hardware-based vs. Software-based
  • Hardware – a device that is dedicated to accountability and/or filtering, although most of these devices at the consumer level are now integrated with a router and perform other function besides filtering.  (A router gives you access to the Internet and shares it with all your local devices.)
  • Software – a program that is installed on a computing device such as a desktop or a server that does the job of filtering and/or reporting.
Mobile vs. Desktop
  • Mobile – Stand-alone software that is designed to run on mobile operating systems. Mobile systems are significantly different from desktop operating systems and are significantly different from one another. So, just because a filtering solution works with the Apple iPhone doesn’t mean that it will work on phones with the Android operating system.
  • Desktop – software that installs and runs on a single user operating system such as Windows or Mac.

How does it work?

When I browse the Internet and access a site which may contain questionable material accountability software records the possible objectionable sites with the date and time they were visited.  Reports with this data go out periodically via email to accountability partners that I designate.  Good services also include in the report if I turn off or uninstall the software so that I can discuss that with my partner.  There are legitimate reasons to turn off the service; even the best software can cause problems sometimes.  The best services also monitor instant messaging programs (i.e., AIM, Yahoo, Windows Live), peer-to-peer software (i.e., uTorrent, Frostwire, BitComet) and inappropriate search engine results.
It is important to note that the accountability portion of the software simply creates an opportunity for discussion and is not a "big brother" type application that will catch all questionable surfing.  You can't demand my accountability; I can only give it to you willingly.  If someone demands my accountability, chances are I'm going to cheat, lie, and hide to find ways to avoid complete transparency.  As is the saying in many recovery programs, “It only works if you work it.”
So, how does this type of software know if a site contains objectionable content? The best programs use a “human-verified” list of sites.  These lists are continuously monitored and updated by people who actually visit the sites to categorize and verify each site’s content.  Some products such as home Internet routers advertise that they include parental controls, but they don’t use human-verified lists.  They use manual lists or keyword blocking that you the user must fill in.  It is impossible to effectively filter Internet content using these kinds of lists.  Some routers such as the NetGear N300 come with free access to filtering that uses human-verified lists.  You can also set up your existing router to use a public form of these lists through the company called OpenDNS.
Protecting mobile web browsing requires a slightly different strategy.  Most smartphones have a built-in web browser such as the iPhone’s Safari browser.  But users can download any number of browsers from the app store that can be used in place of the native browser.  The way accountability and filtering work with these devices is that you download the special browser that includes the filtering services and you disable any other browsers on your device.  The filtering product documentation will describe exactly how to do this with your particular phone.  There are a couple of inconveniences inherent in this process; 1) you must also block the phone user’s ability to download new browsers, and 2) you must block the user’s ability to reset these settings by requiring a password to make changes.  Blocking downloads usually means the user also can’t download other useful apps that have nothing to do with Internet browsing.  This also means that the user must have an accountability partner hold the password that allows them to make changes to their phone.  Using these safe browsers causes some features in your other mobile apps to not work, for instance if you have an app that has links to web sites in it, like a Twitter app, those links may not work when you click on them because the app may be trying to call up the native browser which you have disabled.

Some of the Products:

Below is a list of some of the current, popular accountability/filtering services. 
These products all have some combination of the best features and methods mentioned above.  In my opinion X3watch Pro appears to be the best choice right now for well-written software with the most features at the lowest price ($7 a month).  However, features, software stability, platforms supported, and prices change often.  You may have to experiment to see what works best for you or your family. 

Recommendations:

Here is my recommendation for steps to take if you struggle with online porn: 
  • Protect all your computers:
    • Download and install x3watch Pro on all computers that you have access to
  • Protect all your mobile devices:
    • Download and install x3watch Pro on all your mobile devices.
    • Disable the native browser and app downloads on your mobile device (so you can’t download another browser to circumvent the new filtered browser)
    • Have someone else hold the password to your mobile device that allows you to change those settings
  • Protect your home, office, or church Internet connection:
    • Install OpenDNS services on your Internet router; either the simple FamilyShield version or the more full-featured Household version.
    • Have someone else hold the password to your router administration page.
These recommendations can help in your struggle, but you may have to give up some convenience for the increased accountability.  It’s worth it.  Think of it as the drastic action that Jesus calls believers to take in Matthew 5:27-30 to get rid of any opportunity for temptation.
I hope this process helps someone who struggles with online sexual temptation.  It has helped me through the most difficult part of resisting the devil so he will flee.  I celebrate the fact that the devil now runs from me instead of me running to my habit for comfort.
If you’re still not convinced that this kind of software can help those that struggle, listen to the blunt comments of John Kitna, NFL player for the Dallas Cowboys, and others about how these products have helped in their struggle;  Note what Kitna says at the end about courage.

Wednesday, June 1, 2011

Successful Sale!


Friday and Saturday we had a very successful garage sale for our Celebrate Recovery mission trip to Honduras.  We had a great time of fellowship and were able to talk to people about Celebrate Recovery as well as our trip.
After moving lots of furntiure, electronics, clothes, and even some junk...we were able to raise around $1,400.00 to go towards our trip.
We want to thank everyone who donated items, stopped by to shop, and kept us in your prayers.  Who knew that an abandoned grocery store could be so fun?!

In addition to this exciting news we are now taking some additional people on the trip in order to meet all of the needs of the work we will be doing there.  We ask that everyone continue to pray for our trip.  We leave July 9th and return July 17th.  We will be building a ropes course, conducting CR workshops, and having CR meetings.  We have been blessed in our fundraising and want to thank you for your encouragement! 

Grateful Believer,
Andrew