Ask Andrew & Karyn

{From Andrew} Thanks for joining us for this installment of Ask Andrew and Karyn or Ask Karyn and Andrew- depending on who you are!  Every so often we will be here to answer your recovery related questions.  When we don't have the answer we will get someone more qualified to help us- like today!  You can ask us something serious or something casual.  There will be a box set out each Friday night for you to put your question in.  Speaking of boxes set up on Friday nights, you may have noticed our encouragement table.  We have this table set up for you to write encouragement cards to your fellow CR participants.  Please take advantage of this opportunity.  You are free to deliver the cards yourself or place them in the box to be handed out later.

{From Karyn} It's ask Karyn & Andrew, just so we're clear. This great idea was....okay it was Andrew's idea, I have to give him some credit! It gives folks a chance to ask a question that they might have felt uncomfortable asking in person. And I'm sure we will get our fair share of random/fun questions like, "How much lettuce do we buy each month for dinner."

Hmmm....that's a good question, I need to look into that.  Okay on to this week's REAL question.

Today's question is:  How do you keep from managing your spouse's addiction?

(Awesome question!)

We asked two of our own to answer this one, and here are their responses...

Prayer is the number one way. Honestly, it's a struggle that comes and goes. I pray specifically that God will keep him from temptation and that if he is tempted that he will look to God and his accountability partners for strength. When I get the desire to manage the addiction I just say over and over this line of the serenity prayer, "God, Help me accept the things I cannot change and change the things I can." I cannot change my spouse.  

The second way, that works for me, is I've been really open and honest with him about my desire to "fix" the addiction.

Lastly, we have set boundaries. Boundaries that were developed with help from a counselor. He knows them. I know them. If he "messes up" then he knows the consequence. That was hard for me to understand at first. I felt like I was punishing him. But wise counsel showed me that if he knows the line and yet he chooses to cross it then he has, in turn, chose the consequence. That counsel helped me to see it as my spouses choice, not as me instilling punishment upon him. That has really helped me to release that desire to manage his addiction.

Grateful Believer,

Chellie

First you must realize that you are not the cause of your spouse's addiction.  The addiction is normally a coping skill for another issue that they are not facing.  If you are managing your spouse's recovery, they are not taking responsibility for their own healing nor addressing the underlying cause.  

You can be supportive of the steps they are taking in healing but do not attempt to plan them for your spouse.  You can show your support in many ways: 

·         go to Celebrate Recovery or others addiction treatment meetings with your spouse

·         let your spouse know you are proud for the steps they have taken by telling them or writing a note

·         if asked, go to the counseling session with your spouse

·         form your own support system of trustworthy people such as friends from treatment programs or a therapist

·         Spend time with God and ask for his wisdom and understanding of a balance 

It can be a hard line to walk balancing and supporting instead of managing.  A good way to look at it is who is doing most of the work,  you or your recovering spouse?  If it is you, take a step back and reevaluate your understanding as the spouse of an addictive loved one.   Know that God is part of your support system.

Grateful Believer,

Erin