Step 8

I like to make lists.  Specifically, I enjoy making “to-do” lists.  It gives me a sense of accomplishment to be able to cross something off a list once I have completed it.  This past weekend Tara and I decided (when I say we, I mean Tara J) to deep clean our house.  Our two oldest kiddos were at Nana camp, so we took that opportunity to roll up our sleeves and clean until it hurt.  We made a list.  Sweep.  Mop. Vacuum. Unfortunately, that meant every floor in the house.  Clean bathrooms.  Windex. Dust. Do Laundry.  Organize Laundry room.  If you like to make “to-do” lists like me, you should be getting excited by now reading this!  It really was nice to cross off those chores as we completed them.  We had a clean house by the end of the day and all was well…that is until we went to Norman that night for the game. L

Back to making lists…step 8 reads, “We made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”  Now, that is the lists of all lists.  I will be the first to admit that this was not an easy list for me to make, but it certainly was rewarding to cross those names off during step 9 (but that is next week’s step).  Making the list can be difficult, but it is imperative not to leave names off the list that must be on it.  No matter how difficult or uncomfortable you might feel, if you owe someone amends, their name deserves to be on the list.  So, I prayerfully make the list, asking God to help me be rigorously honest not leaving anyone out.

Finally, I become “willing to make amends to them all.” Willing. Not begrudgingly or sparingly, but I become willing to make amends.  This is an attitude of the hurt that requires much prayer and consideration.  I urge you not to take this lightly.  If my approach in making amends with someone is done in a spirit of duty or “this is something I have to do,” I want to submit to you that you are skipping this step.  And if you skip a step on the road to recovery, you will find yourself stuck wandering what went wrong.  So, as you prepare your list, also prepare your heart.  Ask God to produce within you a spirit of kindness and love as you prepare to act on your list and make amends with those you have harmed and to those who have harmed you.  Jesus said it like this: “Do to others as you would have them do to you” (Luke 6:31).

Grateful Believer,

Micah     

Step 7

I dig.  The ground up here is rocky, and the soil is hard.  I have an old shovel with a splintery handle and a rusty spade, but I start anyway.  I know that once I break through the first layer, the going gets easier.  I jam the shovel down and I jump on it, and I pull up a spoonful of dirt.  Resistance has built up in this spot, but I'll break through it eventually.  All I have to do is keep digging and not stop, so I dig some more.  I strike a stone, but I dig around the rock enough that I can finally pry it out, add it to the pile, and keep going.

I'm sweaty and my hands are beginning to blister even through the calluses I've built up over the years of doing exactly this action in many different places.  I think this would be a great analogy for my life: a bunch of holes and a lot of piles of dirt.  I tell myself it's not my life; I'm digging for treasure.  X marks the spot an all that, only there are three X's here, so there must be a lot of treasure.  My back aches and I'm not even halfway, but that treasure at the end will make it all worth it.

This won't be like last time.

I dig some more.  The hole is up to my waist, and the pile behind me is over my head.  I suddenly notice I've had a pair of yellow work gloves in my back pocket this whole time.  I put them on, and the pain is diminished.  Good, I can keep going.

I dig some more.  Weird, the shovel isn't as old as I thought it was.  I've passed through a layer of clay, and the dirt is coming out like butter.  I keep digging.  It's easy now, almost fun now that the resistance is gone.  I could do this all day.  Then I look up, and the sun is setting!  I have been doing this all day!  Might as well continue.

I dig some more.  I feel renewed.  I have a second wind.  The deeper I go, the more on top I feel, until—I hit something hard with a jolt that travels all the way up to my shoulders.  It's a box!  I've found it!  I work some more to clear away enough black mud, then I haul the chest out of the hole.  The chest is surprisingly light, but I'm not worried.  What's awesome is that I've found the treasure!  I did it!  It's mine!  I feel so good that I don't even care what happens next!

There's a lock on the chest.  It seems that even now, even after all the work, I could still stop.  I could stop, but I'd have to explain away my sore, aching back, and the loss of an entire day.  For a moment,  I actually consider turning away.  Then I hit the lock with my shovel and it breaks, the chest flying open.

Inside is . . . paper.  Maybe it's a deed.  Maybe it's a bank note.  No, it reads, "Idiot.  You've done it again.  Good job."  It's not addressed to me, but it's my handwriting.

I've written that note countless times.  I must be getting better because the words are nicer than what I used to write.  Is that the kind of better I want?  At least I didn't curse myself this time.  No adjectives, no expletives.  Just, "Idiot."  That's better, right?  Or—and this scares me—is that worse?  Is that acceptance?  Am I beginning to accept what I should except?

That's not what I want.

I want the kind of better that's based on love.  I want the better that runs away, that sees the XXX and doesn't linger.  The kind of better that doesn't follow the crooked path in the first place.  I want the better that leaves me feeling right.

"'Blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered.  Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him'" (Romans 4:7-8).

"If I rebuild what I destroyed, I prove that I am a lawbreaker" (Galatians 2:18).

I want the better that both promises good and delivers great.  "At one time we too were foolish, disobedient, deceived and enslaved by all kinds of passions and pleasures.  We lived in malice and envy, being hated and hating one another.  But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of the righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy.  He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by his grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life" (Titus 3:3-7).

I want to be an heir.

I had been worried for some time that my struggle with pornography wasn't giving me the pain that my anger did, the fear-conquering pain that I suggested was necessary in Step 6, that I was missing the secret ingredient that enabled me to be entirely ready for God to remove that character defect.  I felt like I had it at one point, but that I missed the opportunity to use it.

I don't believe that anymore.  King David's lapses did not stop his relationship with God.  He kept on going, writing psalms and conquering enemies and paving the way for the temple.  Paul had some kind of big struggle he had to give to God every day, and he went one-on-legions with the Roman empire.  Now, that Rome is dust and Paul has moved on.

Waiting and worrying for me is really just procrastination.  A missed opportunity is still an opportunity.  I know I'm ready.  I can bring up the pain just by writing about digging.  God gave me that idea.  I just developed it.  I dug it out.  He gave me that so I could be ready for Step 7.  Now that I've identified what my struggles and defects are, I'm ready to "humbly ask God to remove my shortcomings."

Father God, it's one of those days.  Help me to get through it.  I am weak, Lord.  You are amazing.  You are mighty.  That's why together we'll get though this, one day at a time.  That's all it has to be.  Thank you.

If there's a secret to Steps 6 and 7, its this: it won't be just once.  That's not really a secret, and it's not even secret wisdom.  It's just Step 10.  I get to do it every day.

I'm not going to get into humility too much.  I'm a droplet in the mist that quickly vanishes.  Jesus knows every droplet in that mist, how and when each one is going to collide with others.  When I have a collision, Lord, please help me to bounce the right way.  I'm going to struggle and be tempted today.  I ask only for what you've promised already: a way out.  I have a great, understanding, and powerful support team of sponsor and accountability partners.  It only comes down to my decision to use them.  Decide me, Lord.

I'm a grateful believer in Jesus, the Christ.  I struggle with pornography and anger.  My name is Joel.

Step 6

My name is Joel.  I'm a grateful believer in Jesus.  I struggle with sexual addiction, anger, and control.

So, I've got this big list of other people I've hurt or I need to forgive.  I've shared it with God, myself, and my sponsor.  Now I'm ready to go out and make amends.  Send me in, coach!  However, Step 6 is not the amends step.  This gets skipped in all the movies and TV shows.  The characters come to realize they have problems, they admit the problems, and then they go out and make amends.  I've never seen how they handle Steps 6 and 7, but whether your name is Earl or you used to be a song writer struggling with alcohol, these two steps are essential to being reasonably happy in this life.

Step 6: We were entirely ready to remove these defects of character.

Wow.  What about all of the other people?  They need to know I have this problem, and that's why my life stinks, and why they have to forgive me, and that's why I can forgive them!

Well, no.  I need to slow down and remember why I'm in recovery.  My focus still needs to be on me, not on others.  By sharing, by Step 5-ing, I have given all of those people and situations to God.  The weight has been lifted off of my shoulders so that I can attack the real issues.

How can I be entirely ready?  How can I ever be entirely ready for anything?  I've been thinking about this, and it's not always easy.  I have to remember; this is why I came to Celebrate Recovery in the first place.  My pain is finally greater than my fear.

Take my rage, for instance.  I was always in the wrong place, and it was always the wrong time.  I was constantly shouting down my wife in arguments, verbally abusing her; and, worse, in the presence of my child.  And when that wasn't enough, I was hitting my hands, feet, and even my head against walls.  My right knuckles were always puffy, scarred, and/or bleeding.  Trying to keep my CR anonymity when the people at work are asking what happened to my hand because it's so damaged.

I was entirely ready to remove that defect. 

And that was the easy one.

All of that amends and forgiveness stuff is meaningless until I have begun to change.  I mean, guess what!  People already know that I've messed up and done them wrong.  I'm sure that I've apologized profusely already.  The constant attitude of sorry-ness has probably been feeding my issues.  My wife, my family, my other "relationals," they want to see that I've turned the corner on that.

It takes time.  There's nothing instant about Celebrate Recovery.  We are not a quick fix.  Take the time to do it right.  Let God change you as you work Step 6.  Have a real life experience.  "Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need" (Hebrews 4:16).  I would say that you get such confidence by asking for it.  God, will you help me?  Will you help me to remember that the place I'm in now will always be better than the place I was in when I was trying to be in control?  I kneel before the throne because I can't sit on it; it's not my place.  I see that now.  The joy I'm capable of feeling comes from you, and it will always conquer whatever I get from giving in to my hurts, habits, and hang-ups.  Continue the changes in me so that I can share the joy, not the pain.  Others need to know that I belong to you first.

Grateful believer,

Joel

Step 5

We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

My name is Joel.  I'm a grateful believer in Jesus, the Christ, and I struggle with sexual addiction, anger, and isolation.

I can do 2/3 of this step real well, but what's up with that last part?  Another human being?  If I've admitted it all to myself, and given my past away to God, why do I have to involve someone else?

I've done the first four steps, and they didn't require any outside participation.  Sure, the wording of the steps all say "we" did this and that, but they were my decisions to make; I may have told a few things to somebody else by the way of accountability, but partners, sponsors?

I had made it to this step without a strong support team, but 5th Step is the first step that requires me to go to someone else.  Sure, it helps to start that way, but I hadn't done that.  One of my struggles is that I seek loneliness, and I often find it just when I need it the least. 

I had to go to someone else to share my inventory.  Otherwise, it would have been me talking to myself, and that's just not balanced.  The burden doesn't go away when I'm only handing it back to myself.  That's not letting go, that's juggling.  If I haven't given it away, it stays.

Let it go.  Share it.  Give it away.

Build a relationship.  That's what 5^th Step really is for me.  I step out of myself, out of relying on just me.  I let that stuff go.  I tell it to my sponsor,  and it has no power over me anymore.

If I may use a baseball analogy, in giving my fifth step I was the pitcher.  I threw all sorts of pitches, and I had so many in my inventory.  I had curve balls, brush backs, cutters, cliff-hangers, good cheese, and backdoor sliders.  Mostly, I wanted strikes, but sometimes I wanted that ball to be hit right back into the field.  So I threw my past out there with a vengeance.

You might think my sponsor is going to slam those balls right back at me, hard, but remember, my sponsor is the catcher.  He's on my team.  At the end of the game, he will say, "Good job," and we will pray, like in James 5:16: "Therefore, confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed..."

Grateful Believer,

Joel