Restoring the Nest

Amy W

This past Saturday, we sold my kids backyard play-set. As this nice family was packing up to leave, the father asked me what I wanted him to do with my little girl's birdhouse. I had totally forgotten that two years ago, we had attached this hand-painted birdhouse to the very top of the swing set. Without much thought, I just told the man to leave the house on the edge of the fence.

Little did I know that there was a little family of birds living inside of that birdhouse.

A couple of hours later, I walked out into the backyard to enjoy a little sunshine. No more had I stepped onto the back porch, than this Momma and Daddy bird opened up a full-on attack. They were both flying at me from different directions, making it very clear that they were quite unhappy.

Through my dodging of these "angry birds" I saw something hop along the back fence line.  It was a baby bird. I quickly ran out and scooped up the bird and returned it to the bird house, all the while being dive-bombed by the the adult birds. This scene was repeated again and again, as I walked the fence line and found a total of 4 baby birds that had been displaced from their happy home.

I gave myself a little pat on the back for my good deed and fully expected to get a little expression of gratitude from these little birds. But strangely enough, these birds continued to attack me even after I had returned their little home to it's former state! Honestly, I was a little irritated that my efforts had not been more appreciated.

It didn't take me long to appreciate the life/recovery parallel of this situation. You see, I was the person who wrecked my own family's home. I physically and mentally left my family in the chaos of my addiction. When I returned home from treatment, I felt like a new person; one that could restore my family. 

I thought that I could come home and immediately be recognized for the amazing person I thought that I had become. I assumed that everyone would automatically forget the person I used to be, and extend their full trust without hesitation. But I failed to recognize the scars that I had left behind.  I had found healing, but I forgot that there was still so much healing left to do.

After a couple of days, the birds are peaceful in their new location. They are no longer attacking me when I walk outside. They now seem to recognize that I am not a threat to them. Gaining my family's trust and confidence back took TIME. It took REPETITION. It took PERSISTENCE. But slowly and surely, that trust started being restored.

I realize now, the truth that addiction is a family disease. It is not just the individual that suffers. And just as the consequences of addiction do not happen overnight, nor do the blessings of recovery. But God does promise His plans to prosper us and not harm us, if we choose to follow him. I had to be willing to face all of those hurts again as I returned home. It was painful, but I had to be willing to face that pain in order for healing to begin, and full restoration to be possible. 

I can now honestly say, that my family and household are at peace again. I am no longer seen as a threat. The walls have come down, and we are fully enjoying the new life that we have built. I am no longer hurting them, and they are no longer living in fear of being hurt. And everyday, I thank God that through recovery, this new life has been made possible.

Grateful Believer, 

.

Happy are the Peacemakers

Principle 6: Evaluate all my relationships; Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me and make amends for harm I’ve
 done to others except when to do so would harm them or others.



Happy are the merciful. 

Matt 5:7  

Happy are the peacemakers. Matt 5:9

The time I consider myself most active in my recovery is when I am constantly checking life events against the steps and principles. In order for me to stay clean, I have to constantly go through the steps and principles no matter how many times I have done them in the past. 

The one principle that I have always had trouble doing my best with is Principle 6. Principle 6 for me is the one where I take a look at my past and present and see if I have wronged anyone or if anyone has wronged me. I then try to approach each issue and see if there is anything I need to do in accordance with principle 6. I mentally ask myself questions like this:
 Do I need to apologize to my wife for not helping get the kids ready for school? (The answer is yes, by the way.) 
Or
 I should probably sit down with my daughter and apologize for yelling at her when she didn’t deserve it.
 I know I am supposed to do these things and sometimes they are easy and sometimes they are not. 

Part of principle 6 says …Offer forgiveness to those who have hurt me. This part is something I usually do in my head if the person has not apologized to me. I try to give it to God and then I don’t have to worry about it.
 
I say all that but I do have a situation where I am praying to God about a betrayal that I still get angry about. When I start to get angry I will usually ask God to take the anger away. I have to do these things so that I can learn to be a better person and also to stay drug and alcohol free. 
 

Grateful Believer,

Eddie

Sweet Amends..

Step 9 states that we are to make direct amends to people we have harmed whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.  I find myself somewhat “caught up” in this area for the first time in my life.  Of course, tomorrow I’ll probably need to apologize to someone else, but today I have a light feeling in my chest of having finally located someone I lied about back in 1988.  It was a lie.  It isn’t the only lie I have ever told and probably not the “worst” lie I ever told, but God made it very clear to me that THIS was a lie that needed a direct apology to the person.

Obviously God’s ways are not my ways and my thinking when I wrote this lie down during step 4 wasn’t necessarily that it was that big of a deal, but it certainly needed to be on that paper.  I’ve heard from a lot of folks that step 4 is overwhelming just to think about.  I always knew I heard the beat of a different drummer, but for me, I couldn’t get that done quick enough.  I had the weight of the world on my shoulders because I felt so full of guilt from the things I had done.  I flew through steps 1-3 so fast that I ultimately had to start over because they are the foundation and without a solid foundation, obviously, I could not stand. 

So, step 4 was finished and I shared it with my sponsor, I kept attending meetings and working with a strong team of support and over time I located people and said a lot of apologies.  I was met with a tremendous amount of grace from almost everyone.  One person even told me that some great things had come from the mess I had created.  I would have never known that if I hadn’t had the opportunity to apologize to him.  One ask me if I had made a specific change in my life and when I confirmed that I had, she told me that was the best thing I could do for her was to not repeat the behavior.  That was the price I need to pay for my amends to her.  I am willing.  At this point I was holding on to Romans 8:1 which states there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

I pressed on and fell back and pushed forward and lost my balance along the way, but while living in what often feels like a tornado, I seem to be spinning towards healing.  However, there was still that one lie out there.  That one that I knew God wanted me to apologize for, but I didn’t even know how to find her.  I knew a little about her path after high school, but not much.  I had once looked up her name on Facebook and matched her name, but none of the faces seemed to fit.  A couple of days ago I tried again and this time I found a name that shared ONE mutual friend with me.  I figured it had to be her.  I messaged the mutual friend to confirm I had the right person and was thrilled to learn that I did. 

Twenty-four years after the wrong and I wrote her an apology.  I haven’t heard back from her and its okay if I do or I don’t.  My responsibility was to apologize and expect nothing in return.  I did ask if she desired for me to tell anyone else about the lie and let her know that I had already confessed this to some “key” people.  If she gets back to me and needs something more, I’ll have some more work to do.  If not, I really am okay with it.  24 years of feeling guilty for hanging on to a lie is long enough.  Every injustice has a price to pay.  I can’t undo the harm of my lie; however, I can, with God’s help, quickly admit my wrongs so that I am not holding them for years and years.  One day at a time, one moment at a time, I can do the right thing to others even if I can never make it right with the one I hurt.  Today I feel free to live in the present as far as the messes that I made of my own life.  I feel free because God tells me in Isaiah 55:7b that if I turn to the Lord He will have mercy on me and He will pardon me freely.  Freely, how sweet that sounds.

Grateful Believer,
Jennifer