Sweet Amends..

Step 9 states that we are to make direct amends to people we have harmed whenever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.  I find myself somewhat “caught up” in this area for the first time in my life.  Of course, tomorrow I’ll probably need to apologize to someone else, but today I have a light feeling in my chest of having finally located someone I lied about back in 1988.  It was a lie.  It isn’t the only lie I have ever told and probably not the “worst” lie I ever told, but God made it very clear to me that THIS was a lie that needed a direct apology to the person.

Obviously God’s ways are not my ways and my thinking when I wrote this lie down during step 4 wasn’t necessarily that it was that big of a deal, but it certainly needed to be on that paper.  I’ve heard from a lot of folks that step 4 is overwhelming just to think about.  I always knew I heard the beat of a different drummer, but for me, I couldn’t get that done quick enough.  I had the weight of the world on my shoulders because I felt so full of guilt from the things I had done.  I flew through steps 1-3 so fast that I ultimately had to start over because they are the foundation and without a solid foundation, obviously, I could not stand. 

So, step 4 was finished and I shared it with my sponsor, I kept attending meetings and working with a strong team of support and over time I located people and said a lot of apologies.  I was met with a tremendous amount of grace from almost everyone.  One person even told me that some great things had come from the mess I had created.  I would have never known that if I hadn’t had the opportunity to apologize to him.  One ask me if I had made a specific change in my life and when I confirmed that I had, she told me that was the best thing I could do for her was to not repeat the behavior.  That was the price I need to pay for my amends to her.  I am willing.  At this point I was holding on to Romans 8:1 which states there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

I pressed on and fell back and pushed forward and lost my balance along the way, but while living in what often feels like a tornado, I seem to be spinning towards healing.  However, there was still that one lie out there.  That one that I knew God wanted me to apologize for, but I didn’t even know how to find her.  I knew a little about her path after high school, but not much.  I had once looked up her name on Facebook and matched her name, but none of the faces seemed to fit.  A couple of days ago I tried again and this time I found a name that shared ONE mutual friend with me.  I figured it had to be her.  I messaged the mutual friend to confirm I had the right person and was thrilled to learn that I did. 

Twenty-four years after the wrong and I wrote her an apology.  I haven’t heard back from her and its okay if I do or I don’t.  My responsibility was to apologize and expect nothing in return.  I did ask if she desired for me to tell anyone else about the lie and let her know that I had already confessed this to some “key” people.  If she gets back to me and needs something more, I’ll have some more work to do.  If not, I really am okay with it.  24 years of feeling guilty for hanging on to a lie is long enough.  Every injustice has a price to pay.  I can’t undo the harm of my lie; however, I can, with God’s help, quickly admit my wrongs so that I am not holding them for years and years.  One day at a time, one moment at a time, I can do the right thing to others even if I can never make it right with the one I hurt.  Today I feel free to live in the present as far as the messes that I made of my own life.  I feel free because God tells me in Isaiah 55:7b that if I turn to the Lord He will have mercy on me and He will pardon me freely.  Freely, how sweet that sounds.

Grateful Believer,
Jennifer