Step 9

There is something powerful about the words “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you.”  If said from a broken and sincere heart, they can begin the healing process in a once severed relationship.  Step nine states: “We made direct amends to such people whenever possible, except when to do so when injure them or others.”  So, we take the list we made in step eight and with God’s help are ready and willing to make amends with those people on the list.

Every amends that I owed was important for my recovery; however, the two that meant the most to me were the amends I owed God and my parents.  I had made a conscious choice to turn my back on God and live a life of habitual sin.  I became apathetic to the fact that I was slandering the Lord’s name by my actions and words.  Though I went to church when the doors were open, my faith was null and void.  I was a hypocrite.  So, I sat down to write an amends letter to my Father in heaven.  For me, it was really a love letter.  I knew that He had never left me.  As a loving Father he let me go and allowed me to figure things out.  When I came back home, He was looking for me and called me by name and wrapped His arms around me.  I had been gone for four years, but when I made the conscious choice to turn back to God, I felt like I had never left.  I feel the most confident and comfortable with myself when I’m in His presence.  So, I asked for his forgiveness and thanked him for His faithfulness.

My amends to my parents was a difficult one too.  They trusted me.  When I told them I was going to someone’s house, they trusted me to go there and stay there.  However, the majority of the time, I would end up at a party drinking and engaging in sexual sin.  I routinely lied to my parents to fulfill my selfish wants and desires.  Coming clean with them about this bad habit was difficult for me to admit and certainly hard for them to hear.  Nevertheless, it was the right thing to do and they extended their forgiveness to me.  It has taken time for the trust in our relationships to be reestablished, but the Lord has blessed this process too.

Making direct amends when possible was a turning point in my recovery.  It was never easy, but through this vigorous step God refined my faith and I grew.

Some people have asked me over the past six years, “When does the ‘except when to do so would injure them or others’ come into play?”  First, let me say, do not use this as an excuse to avoid a tough amends with a person who deserves to hear from you.  This exception clause is for special circumstances only.  I believe a good example would be a person who struggles with lust.  I would venture to say that a person who lusts after another is doing that in their own minds.  It would be inappropriate then for that person to go and apologize to a list of persons who were the objects of their bad habit.  It would do more harm than good because these people were not even aware of the other person’s actions.  In the end, my best advice for anyone struggling with the thought, “Is it going to cause harm to this person if I seek them out to make amends?”, is to consult with their sponsor and accountability partners.  Together, you and your accountability team can prayerfully ask the Father to help you make a wise decision.

Grateful believer,

Micah