A journey is defined as traveling from one place to another while typically taking a long period of time. Life’s tough. Three years and seven months ago I made the decision that life wasn’t worth living and chose to end it. God had a different plan, so instead of leaving this earth that April day, I slowly started getting help that, honestly, I did not want. I was physically alive, but I was emotionally and spiritually dead. It’s still a struggle, but it no longer consumes me.
Within about a month of that day I walked into a counselor’s office as a way to get out of group therapy and this crazy therapist told me he could help me. At first I really didn’t care if he could help or couldn’t, I just didn’t want to go to group therapy and endure the stories I heard there all day long! About 6 weeks or so later he suggested Celebrate Recovery which I found to be a bit weird, but by this point I trusted the guy a little. People introduced themselves IN CHURCH with a huge amount of honesty. These folks were real people. They weren’t “church people” they were God’s people.
I couldn’t bring myself to talk too much. I made one contact. After a few months I had two. It was well over a year before I ate dinner there and close to two years before I stayed for Common Grounds. Certain aspects of the program have proven to be too much for me, but that was okay! It’s my walk. I don’t have to do it exactly “right.” I can keep moving though. When I learned through trying that something didn’t work for me, I found something else that did. I had people there to remind me that it’s okay to take care of me. I don’t have to throw in the towel just because the towel gets dirty. It turns out there is someone that can clean me up! His name is Jesus and He turned me from a suicidal mental disaster into a still-struggling person with a list of progress that I could have never accomplished on my own. This road I am traveling is long and seems to be extremely bumpy. I can celebrate the successes though.
I’m not going alone; I have the help of people to come with me. We can chart the course a little differently when it is necessary, but the desired direction does not change. The goal is to move closer to God. I was finally able to finish my step study one on one with my sponsor. Due to extenuating circumstances it took me 3 ½ years, but I am so glad to have done it. One more step along the path. Ephesians 3:20-21 says, Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever!
Today I am not consumed with thoughts of suicide. My PTSD symptoms are less severe. Knowing my own limitations has proven invaluable. My ability to communicate my real feelings with people has improved considerably. I celebrate the journey, because it’s the journey that God put before me to grow in love with the support of people He placed along the way. It is immeasurably more than I could have ask or imagined.
Jennifer
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